'you Take This Old Stuff, Bought For Peanuts, Put It On A Phone And Suddenly It's New And Sexy'

Sydney Morning Herald

Saturday September 22, 2007

Richard Glover

THANK YOU FOR buying a new-generation mobile phone. You'll find your phone is packed with features you do not need and did not ask for. Best of all, it has internet connectivity. Make one mistake as you are scrolling through your "options", trying to order pizza, and you'll be uploading animal porn from the Dominican Republic at a price of $20 a donkey.

We've also included a not-very-good video camera and a ridiculously bad still camera. That way you can take not-very-good photos wherever you go and then swap them with friends for their own not-very-good photos.

Your new mobile is fun. Why not take a picture of the kids right now and send it to your mum? Or, hit the wrong key, and flood her inbox with donkey porn. With the SonyNokSam, the choice is yours.

We want you to be connected. Check the weather and news from your own mobile. Download videos. Watch TV sitcoms. Sometime around midnight, you may even want to use your phone as an actual phone. Experience the convenience of ringing a taxi on your very own mobile.

Of course, by this point your phone will have long ago run out of power - the battery exhausted by your decision to watch 23 episodes of The Simpsons on a screen so tiny that even Homer looked like a yellow ant. And yet, as you sleep rough, cradling your flat-as-a-tack phone, you'll have the satisfaction of being thoroughly connected. Just not right at the moment.

You'll love our new keypad. We've designed our phone for little pixie people with tiny little pointed fingers. It's true no actual human population exists with fingers like this but, given time, we're hopeful evolution will produce a race of humans who could, in theory, make use of our product. Meanwhile, consider poking at the numbers with a pen, or try growing witch-like talons, which you can then have filed into a sharpened point.

We've also dispensed with the old menu, with its list of options printed in English. This old system was perfect for our customers but prevented us from selling the same phone around the world. Instead we've introduced a series of icons - equally incomprehensible to all language groups.

Older users will notice that the icons are extremely small and indistinct. You may need to use your spectacles. If the icons still appear small and indistinct, try gazing at the screen through the Hubble telescope. At this point some vague shapes may well appear.

You'll also need to memorise some shortcuts. Hit the donkey icon once to commence your download. Hit it three times in order to send the donkey an autographed erotic photograph of yourself.

Of course, here in the industry, we still face the problem of customers who say: "All I want is a phone, can't you just sell me a phone?" Some even get aggressive. They'll say: "When I buy a chocolate bar, they don't insist on throwing in a radiator, a bean-bag and a toaster, so what's the go with the pricey internet and the bad camera, even though I don't want them?"

This, of course, is dinosaur thinking, against which the industry stands united. We're no longer in the phone business. We're in the Connected Constantly business. Or perhaps the Constant Connectability business. Certainly, we're in the Shake Every Last Coin Out of the Customer's Pocket business.

Most crucially, it's a business in which all things old are new again.

You may remember those old gold mines up near Bathurst, where they comb through the tailings one last time, hoping to squeeze a last bit of value out of the old, exhausted dirt. That's just like the phone business.

We've taken a series of quite dull things - weather forecasts, clapped-out video games, seen-it-all-before video hits - and found a way of extracting one last serve of profit. You take this old stuff, bought for peanuts, put it on a phone and suddenly it's new and sexy.

You can watch boring old rubbish - but do it when sitting on the bus! You can run your eyes over a Shakira video for the 22nd time - but do it at the beach! And you can check the weather forecast - just like you used to do on the net or the TV or the radio - but this time get to pay for it!

What a miraculous business it is. The content is the same, of course, but the delivery system is brand new. It's like we've offered to dump old poo on someone's front lawn and they've agreed - providing we make the delivery in a shiny new truck. Better still, they're willing to pay top dollar for every single delivery - sorry, download - of this stinking old sludge.

So don't come into this shop asking us for a phone that is just a phone. Who could be bothered selling you that when we're so busy making deliveries?

More poo, anyone?

g-lover@bigpond.net.au